Unanswered Prayer: Why I Don’t Believe In It

Photo from ovuline.com

Yesterday was apparently National Baby Loss Day, which I didn’t even know existed until I saw a slew of posts on my Twitter account. Since I didn’t catch these posts until right before it was time to hit the sack, I had to wait until today to give my contribution. So forgive me for being late, but I too, have something to say.

Most of you know that I’m a teacher, a wife, a blogger and a very Busy Girl. But above all that, I’m a Christian – and I’ll be writing this post from my Christian perspective.

If you are a Christian, then I’ll assume you’re familiar with the phrase “unanswered prayer”. It’s common to hear and to say in the Christian community, but I actually don’t think that there is such a thing. When you ask a person to do something there are two responses they can give you: yes or no. Now sometimes a person will reply with “maybe” - but we all know they’re just stalling until they have to say either a definite yes or a no. 

Photo from ganeshkamath89.blogspot.com

I believe the same is true of God; we ask God for something and He either says yes or no. But obviously it’s not that cut and dry. In my experience with a lifetime of prayer, I’ve decided there are a few general categories for how God might answer our prayer… or at least, my prayers. Category #1 is called “yes, right now”. This is the best one, where you get what you asked for immediately. Category #2 is called “yes, but you have to wait.” This is when God says yes, but it takes a long time, maybe even years to witness His answer. Category #3 is “yes, but not how you wanted it”. Sometimes when God says “yes” it comes in a different package than we originally pictured. And Category #4 is usually the most difficult, when God’s answer is just a straight up “no.”

As an adult, I pray every day but I was also a praying child; I grew up in the Methodist church and loved Jesus very much, and I prayed the prayers that little children pray: “Jesus please protect my mom and dad, Jesus please bless the poor, Jesus please give me a bike for Christmas.” But when I started coming of age, in my late teenage years, my prayers became more mature and with each prayer I prayed, I had more at stake. It has been about a decade since I officially became an adult and began praying those more mature, high-stakes prayers, and reflecting on those experiences is how I determined that there are no unanswered prayers - just a variation of answers.

Photo from worldinprayer.org

My college experience would fall under Category 2. I had wanted to go away to a university right after I graduated high school but in answer to that prayer God said, “Yes, but you have to wait.” So I went to community college for two years and then transferred to Central Michigan University. Even though I had been so disappointed by not going to a university right away, God knew I needed to wait because guess who I met just two weeks after transferring? My beautiful hubby. If I would have left for a university right away, I actually would have attended a different one, in a completely different part of the state – and never would have met the man who sweeps me off my feet day after day.

When my husband and I decided to get married, God answered our prayer with that wonderful Category 4, “Yes! Right now!” We dated for a few years through college and when we got engaged, we planned the ceremony for just six short months later. So many people told us that wouldn’t be enough time to plan, but because we had God’s blessing we experienced little to no stress, everything fell into place (including the funding, thanks to our wonderful family!) and our wedding was so beautiful; it was exactly what we both wanted.

My wedding day was perfect - and so is my hubby :)

After graduating from CMU, both my husband and I started our teaching careers. My husband’s career got off to a great start and so did the careers of most of my friends who were education majors. My teaching career, however, ended up falling under Category 3. I taught elementary school for five years, but the road each year was pretty rocky. I struggled with getting a permanent position and was bounced from school to school, experiencing budget cuts to my program and facing layoffs around every corner. It was the desire of my heart to work with children, and I cried out to God to just let me be a teacher - and His answer was, “Yes, but not how you wanted it.”  After five years of anxiety and frustration, I resigned from public education and started my own tutoring company, Metro Detroit Tutors, LLC. And while I am still a very small company, this opportunity to work with students one-on-one and truly make a noticeable difference in their lives is absolutely amazing. I love it. It’s the organic, genuine, unhindered teaching experience I had always searched for. Looking back on that five years of struggle, I am so thankful God didn’t give me my teaching career in the package I had wanted, because the package God had for me was better.

Working with children one on one is an incredibly rewarding experience.

And now, to the hard part: Category 4

A year ago, my husband and I announced to our family, friends and in front of our entire church that I was pregnant with our first child. We had gone to the doctor right after my positive at-home pregnancy test, had our first ultrasound, heard our baby’s heartbeat, brought the ultrasound photo home, hung it on the frig and exploded with happiness.

We were so excited. I started talking to the baby as it was in my tummy. I wrote it letters about how much mommy and daddy loved them. I was, of course, following pregnancy blogs and one stated that at my stage, the baby was no bigger than a bean. So the hubby and I started calling our little one “Baby Bean”, and we couldn’t wait for our little bean to grow.

But shortly after we announced to everyone we loved that I was pregnant, something went wrong – and I told my husband we needed to go to the hospital.

If you’re a Christian, you know that God is so good. You know that no matter what occurs in your life, He loves you more deeply than you can fathom, more deeply than any parent can ever love their child. So that is why I tell you right now; NEVER let any person, circumstance or outcome in your life take your joy. Joy, which is different than happiness, is precious. Happiness is a state of being, an emotion, which fluctuates and changes according to our mood. But JOY is a lifestyle. You can be happy, but you live joyfully. And the only way to keep joy in your life is to fight for it.

As I lay in the E.R., my husband and I sending up prayers, begging God to spare our first child, I was able to honestly say to God, and also out loud to my husband, “Whatever your answer, Lord, it is well with my soul.” My husband and I fervently prayed for our baby’s life but God answered, “No.”

And that hurt.

God didn’t give me a “No” regarding college, or my marriage, or my career - the most difficult of all God’s answers was over my prayer for a life. But I can tell you, that while I feel grief and sadness over the loss of my little Bean, I am still full of joy. And the only way that I could possibly have kept my joy through this process is by trusting in God. Trusting that He is there, that He is Lord and that He knows best.

A few months after my first miscarriage, I got pregnant again, but only to miscarry a second time. My intent for getting pregnant again right away was to make up for the lost time that occurred with the first miscarriage – I wanted to be pregnant, my husband and I wanted to be parents so bad; we were ready. But my doctor told me to give my body a break and so my husband and I took the last two seasons off from trying. We did our best not to stress and I have done my best not to blame myself for doing something wrong physically that may have caused losing those babies. We have just now started trying again and through each trial we continue to place our hope in God.

At our favorite coffee shop, celebrating 4 years of marriage! 

Wedded bliss doesn't mean life is perfect, it means love is perfect.

If you drop by my blog often, you’ll notice that the gross majority of my posts will be exceptionally light hearted. I like to laugh and joke, get a little snarky, silly and sometimes drop an intellectual tidbit or two. Typically I’ll just share my recipes, craft and décor ideas or information on stuff I find interesting. But today I chose to share a more serious and solemn experience with you because even if I have never met you, I care about you. I desperately want you to know that whatever you are dealing with, whatever you are suffering, God is there and He is working through this to strengthen you. And though you may not see it now, as I once failed to see, I pray that soon and very soon, God reveals to you His work in your life. Whatever answer God grants to your prayers, I hope that you are able to respond with joy – and above all, I hope that you continue to pray.

“…pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man [and woman] availeth much.” James 5:16

If you have a pregnancy experience that has grieved or disappointed you, consider sharing it. Just writing down my own experience, however rambling it may have seemed, was truly therapeutic – and though I didn’t intend for it, I can feel how writing and sharing this disappointment has helped to heal that spot in my heart.

If you would like to share your experience, need to talk about it or have any questions, please contact me. Busy Girls like us need to support and listen to each other through all of life’s ups and downs – it’s how we thrive.

Email me    thatbusygirllife@gmail.com

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Blair Clark is a wife, teacher, dog-mother, mentor, wanna-be-chef, recipe collector, crafter, painter, novice photographer, thrifter, writer, marriage ministry leader, Sunday school teacher and blogger. In short, she's a busy girl! Blair lives and blogs from the suburbs of Detroit with her handsome hubby and perfect Chocolate lab.

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